I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
