Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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