Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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