You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
