Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
