Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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