Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
