Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
