I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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