textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
