Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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