I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
