we have officially lost it.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
