i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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