you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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