you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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