There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
