Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
