I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
