so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
