Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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