She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
