I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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