I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
