So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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