it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I will pee on everything he values.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize