I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
