I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
