She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize