I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
