we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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