I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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