please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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