i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
