Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The uberlube is also flammable
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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