that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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