He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
