i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
there is glitter all over my balls
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
