Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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