nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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