I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
