He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
