someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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