his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You need Xanax blowdarts
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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