I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think your dad took our porno
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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