Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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