I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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