I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
