Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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