there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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