I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
