Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
