I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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